iheartkennedy

I feel as if I have no motivation to recover
Anorexia had manifested me, but now I feel like Bulimia is taking my body whole.
Bingeing and purging never seemed to be a problem of mine, but I'm starting to have a new mindset "maybe if I purge after I can eat this..."
I do not want to replace anorexia with bulimia and become another statistic
Despite how insane this seems, I would rather have Anorexia than Bulimia.
The guilt I feel after eating is far too strong for me to handle
Instead, I would rather just not eat, than feel this pain
The voice in my head that tells me "you are a fat ugly undeserving cow, you are unworthy of any love nor attention nor food. How dare you put that in your mouth, you are such a failure", is becoming more loud and dominant.
To make matters worse, I absolutely cannot handle all of this extra fat on my body
I fantasize about getting a long sharp knife cutting all of it off, only leaving my bones...
I feel like I'm more depressed now than I was prior to recovery
I can barely find the energy to go about simple daily tasks.
Everything is far too hard to cope with.

Not eating, working out, and sleeping.

Fat ugly undeserving little girl

My top 10 list of the things that are preventing me from a full recovery
I really wish that I could let go and stop holding on to anorexia...


1) My mind is a constant calorie counter. I can't look at food without automatically knowing the calories in it. It's like second nature to me now.
2) I spend hours picking at my flaws in the mirror. I wish that I could look at myself and like what I see.
3) I need to stop freaking out when my clothes actually begin to feel a bit tight. The size of my clothing doesn't define me. I need new clothes anyways, I should be happy that I have an excuse to do more shopping!
4) My fear and anxiety surrounding eating food seriously needs to stop. My mind is so irrational. I know that eating dinner isn't the end of the world, but my anorexia makes me feel like it is.
5) When I go out to eat in public, my friends act strange around me. I should use this as an incentive to get better, not to hold me back.
6) I need to learn that a bit of fat is essential for a healthy body.
7) Either I barely eat, or I feel like I'm bingeing. Sometimes what I consider to be a binge is not actually a binge, but a healthy intake. Sometimes I actually do binge on extremely fatty foods. I need to find a good medium ground where I eat the appropriate amount without freaking out.
8) I'm going to miss my lovely lovely lovely bones... :(
9) I need to stop thinking about food, weight, calories etc 24/7. I need to do something productive in my life that brings happiness.
10) I feel like I don't have an identity without anorexia. It's almost like anorexia is who I am, and without anorexia I am nothing. I need to develop a functioning personality.

If only I could live without food...
My life would be perfect

I am so bored with my life!
I don't have anything to do in life besides anorexia...
People always say how anorexia causes you to lose all of your hobbies and activities
But I never had any hobbies or activities in the first place!!
I feel like I'm missing a HUGE chunk of me without my ed
This sounds completely insane but I really miss being anorexic :(
My life is just so uneventful

i don't know if any of you remember, but I posted about my complications eating out with friends last week.
This time things got severely worse.
This week-end I was spending time with another group of friends, who know about my eating disorder.
But they are 2 fat guys...
They also weren't as supportive as my other friends were, who came to visit me while I was hospitalized.
On Friday, we went out to a Korean restaurant, I didn't even order food.
They kept on saying how it was awkward and weird.
I really did want to eat, I just couldn't bring myself up to do it.
The following day, I wanted to prove to myself and to them that I could eat like a normal person.
I was very very very wrong.
We went to a Japanese restaurant, and I ordered a small small small meal.
I ate very very slowly, and cut my food into tiny pieces.
i used a knife and fork to eat sushi and salad, which to the ordinary person is very abnormal.
I apologized for my eating habits, and they somewhat seemed to understand.
But then after when we decided to go back to one of my friends house, we discussed my eating habits.
They both agreed that I OCDed with my food, and that I was very anal about eating.
They also said that I was a complusive liar.
I am extremely hurt by this and got very angry with them.
It seems like no one understand how difficult eating is for me.
To the typical person, eating is part of a daily routine. To me, eating is the biggest struggle.
I'm really confused and I don't know what to do.
I currently never want to eat out in public, because every single time I always fuck up.
I don't even know if I still want to be friends with them because they hurt me so much.
I'm so confused. I hate this...why can't I just eat without acting like a complete freak?

I don't play games. HA!

I have to see my doctor about 1-2 times a week for my anorexia and because I was recently discharged from Stanford hospital's intensive inpatient eating disorder ward.
Today I weigh 101.8lbs, and last week I weighed 101.4lbs
I know that .4lbs doesn't seem like a major weight gain...but if you look at it from another perspective, I'd be gaining about 1/2 a pound each week...
ULTIMATELY CAUSING ME TO BECOME A FATASS!!!!
My BMI is 17 which is still relatively low
BUT prior to my hospitalization my BMI was 15.6 (I was 94lbs back then)
Which is a pretty fucking large jump considering that I was first admitted into the hospital a little over 2 weeks ago...
I bet that pretty soon my BMI will be 19 or some other really high number..





Good fucking lord
Recovery is making me fat
There's no way that I can escape it
I'm living in hell

Yesterday was horrible!!!!
I had almost 2000 calories and I sat on my fat ass the whole day :(
I HATE weed. I'm never smoking it again.
It temporarily makes me happy but then makes me binge on EVERYTHING.
whole wheat english muffin with cream cheese, a crap lot of chips, fat free yogurt, 3 slices of whole wheat bread, instant oatmeal, green beans with soy sauce, pasta, 1 boiled egg, and a veggie burger.
In the end, I just regret everything.
At times like this I wish that I had the courage to be bulimic...

Today isn't great but it's tolerable
I've had 631 calories, but I also walked 4 miles so it evens out :)
Everything I ate today was healthy
homemade cheese ravioli with tomato sauce, 1 slice of whole wheat bread, and 2 servings of boiled green beans with soy sauce
Tomorrow my plan is to only eat 400 calories and hit up the gym for a few hours.
Hopefully these 2 days will compensate for yesterday's disaster.



I can already taste the sweetness from restricting my food
<333

I love being thin. Nothing feels better than being thin. The only thing that makes me happy is being thin and losing more and more weight. But I miss my butt and my boobs :( It would be so wonderful if I could lose weight all over my body except for my womanly parts.


Don't stop believin'
<333

I've eaten so much today,yet stomach hurts sooo much! I can't sleep because all I can hear is my tummy telling me that it wants to be fed. I just wish that I could get some sleep. I've tried curling up into a ball and listening to my ipod but both attempts failed.
Is there anything else that I could do?


I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I hope that she doesn't question me. I've lost at least 20lbs since the last time I've seen her. My mother is coming with me and I know that she questions my eating habits.
How do I act if I'm confronted?


Thanks so much everyone!!!
<333

I told myself this morning that I was going to have less than 500 calories. I fucking had 614!!! AND I haven't even eaten dinner yet. My mom always forces me to eat dinner, so I'm completely lost. GOD if it wasn't for those fucking girl scout cookies my teacher gave out then I wouldn't be in this dilemma. Each cookie has 70 calories and I had 4. I'm debating on whether or not I should purge, but I'm so afraid... I've lost every speck of self control :(

Hey Girlies!!! I would really like some input on my situation...

I already know that I'm thin, but my philosophy is that there is no such thing as too thin. Unless of course you are about to die. I never want to reach the point of being emaciated. So I'm wondering what my limit is?

I'm 5'5''
Approx. 100lbs
My goal weight is to be 90lbs but is that too low or can I go down even more?
I've always had a slim body. Thankfully I was blessed with my mother's genes.
She's 5'2'' and weighs 110lbs. I know that it's not that thin, but given her situation--she's a 40 y/o mother who eats like a pig.

Thanks everyone for reading <333
I wish you all the best of luck :)

My mother's husband recently moved out and he took the scale with him! I told my mother that we needed to buy a new accurate scale. She refuses because "it's not healthy to watch your weight so closely. I'll tell you if you get fat." WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I don't know how much I weigh and I feel like stealing her credit card and heading over to sharper image and getting myself a $100 digital scale. I can't handle the unknown, and I refuse to give myself the benefit of the doubt.

Ok..I need to calm down. Today I had 2 slices of wheat bread for breakfast, an orange for lunch, and this mini veggie burger for dinner and of course several glasses of water. I know that I had roughly 450 calories, which isn't completely horrible. On the other hand, I only ran 1.5 miles today.

How can I handle the loss of my dearly beloved scale? My anxiety is destroying me. I completely rely on my mother for money. My bank account is in the negatives. I know that I should just get a job, but I am impatient and I want to know my weight pronto!

I miss my scale :(

It's almost 2:30 p.m. and I haven't had anything to eat today. Yay!!!
Now I just have to survive for the rest of the day

I've decided to document my stats everyday now

Height: 5'5''
Current Weight: 101lbs
Lowest Weight: 95lbs (I think...)
Goal Weight: 90lbs

I don't want to become emaciated. The lowest I would ever go is 90lbs, and once I reach that weight I'll put in all my effort to sustain that weight <3

1. I have the lowest self-esteem possible. I'm afraid to meet new people because I feel that I'm not worthy to be in their presence.
2. I'm not attractive. From bottom to top. Big fat flat feet, oddly shaped knees, fatty thighs, straight hips, concave bottom, bursting gut, non existent chest, broad shoulders, short neck, horrible teeth, flat nose, over sized fore head, dry frizzy hair, small lazy eyes, acne...and to top it off I have eczema.
3. I obsessively play with my hair.
4. I'm a complete slob and a snob
5. I've been playing dumb for the past 4 years, eventually my acting became reality.
6. My grades and attendence have dropped miserably.
7. I will most likely not attend my desired school (SDSU) because I dropped all of my AP classes, and my grades have reached rock bottom.
8. I realize that I have so much potential, yet I never take advantage of it.
9. I procrastinate beyond belief.
10. I'm lazy and unproductive and repetitive.
11. I'm conscious of the mistakes I'm making in my life, yet I choose to continue the problem.
12. I once was a slut, I can see myself following my previous tendencies.
13. I never had a father. I have an extreme attraction to older men and teachers.
14. I'm an attention whore. I live for moments when my friends envy my weight.
15. I know that I'm already thin. I can't stop.
16. I'm diagnosed with major depression. I have been hospitalized for my mental illness
17. I'm selfish. I don't give back to the community enough.
18. Nobody loves me. Not my mother, my grandparents, nor my friends.
19. I can't or won't allow myself to love others close to me.
20. Let's face it..I'm an annoying little stuck up poser bitch.

And I'm not asleep. I'm not even tried. I decided to take some allergy meds about an hour ago to make me drowsy..obviously it isn't working. Thank god I don't have school tomorrow. My sleeping patterns extremely fluctuate...not cool. I need consistency in order to function properly. I'm late for everything I attend, and currently it's causing a heap of consequences. I missed my first period today. Regardless to whether being a teacher aide is significant or not, my absences is yet another example of my poor sleeping patterns. My mom noticed that I was sleeping in and this morning was far from pleasant. It seems like I'm having a battle with every morning regarding either my mother or time itself. Ironically, I took a 4 hour nap today. HA! This is a prime example of how sleeping and time constantly fucks me over. I can't manage my time properly. It's ruining my life. I don't want to get into detail right now of why my life is in the dumps right now. Maybe another day when I'm up at 4 in the morning... Sweet Dreams

Hey everyone! So this is my first journal entry.  I have a really big headache right now...and I'm dreading attending class in a hour.  Fortunately, the week-end is arriving soon!!  And what's even better is that...TOMORROW IS SENIOR TAKE OVER DAY!!! YAYYYYYYY!!!! I'm so excited!! I want to make the most out of my last year in high school.  Hopefully everything turns out as planned, and my teacher won't hate me :) hahaaha